Aligning thought, word and deed

At Albert-the-blogger's funeral

I have been wondering about what I want to achieve through the writings on this blog. I did the old 'what would you want people to say at your graveside' exercise. But this was only Albert-the-blogger's funeral. The other Alberts will die another day.

At Albert-the-blogger's funeral I would want people to say that my writing was:

* Honest: That I wrote what I really thought and felt

* Sincere: That I tried my best to walk the talk

These feel like good goals for this blog. So take this as a manifesto, a promise to you the reader - this is what you will find here at Next Small Step (NSS for short).

Committing to these core values does not mean that I will only write about peace, love and understanding. I will continue to write about diets, exercize, reading, family, life in the office, friends etc. But the same core commitment will apply, regardless of the issue that I happen to be writing about.

You may well ask why I chose these goals. But some choices don't respond to this question. These are deep desires and needs. To me they feel like an end in themselves, not a means to an end.

A word of advice

I am ambiguous about advice. Giving advice can easily become a pretext for rambling on about ourselves. I am just going to ramble on about myself, without using the pretext of giving advice. If you want to learn something from all that, its up to you. 

To be honest (already), I would like lots and lots of readers for this blog. And lots and lots of comments. But I have learnt that writing cannot be about readers or about the writer's ego. For it to be real, the writer must channel something deeper, and less ephemeral. This is what I am aiming for. 

Leaving a trail

Looking back over what I have written at NSS in the past, I can see many plans and undertakings that I started, but subsequently abandoned or simply forgot about. I think that I have since found some ways to do better at walking the talk. But you will surely be the judge of that. I will write more about what helps me to practice what I preach another day. 

This post and the reflection that preceeded it feels like a new beginning for NSS and for myself. But it doesn't feel honest to just start a new blog or to delete previous posts on this blog. 

Aligning thought, word and deed

This feels like something worth striving for: Figuring out what I really think, feel and want. And aligning my actions with that. That, in two sentences, is what NSS is about.

Going back to meditation

I started meditating in 1994 with the School of Practical Philosophy in Cape Town. After some ups and downs I finally left the school towards the middle of 2009 because I didn't feel that I was making any progress. I also felt that given some time and space, that I could work my 'issues' out myself - as you can tell from my blogging.


The last year has been interesting and I have learnt a few things. I have been writing morning pages as recommended by Julia Cameron in the Artist's Way and have found that very rewarding. I have also gone after my fledgling cycling career like never before.

But over the last few months I have come to the conclusion that in the end I cannot 'work out' my issues.They come back at me with a force that I cannot deal with.  I need something deeper and more powerful to get at those. This made me turn back to meditation and the practices that go with it.

Looking back I think that I was quite spiritually ambitious in the past. Maybe I am mellowing with age, but I would be happy to simply find some rest in meditation. Maybe its OK to not make any progress. Just flattening out the roller coaster ride that my ego takes me, on would be nice.

How to meet the world

I heard this quote years ago, but could never trace it. Zenhabits quoted it recently, much to my delight: 

“You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait, just learn to become quiet, and still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.” Franz Kafka

I have tried it. It is true. I spend much of my time striving and planning and that is exhausting. When I can get myself to sit still for a while and do nothing, magic happens. Energy, creativity and perspective return.

Walk away from worry

I have things that I worry and think about habitually. From what I hear this is true for many people. But I have found a way out of this.

Here are some of my habitual worries:

• I worry that the bright new kid at work is going to make me redundant 
• I worry that I don't work enough or hard enough 
• I worry that I weigh too much, that I am not as slim as I should be 
• I worry about getting older and not having all the options that I had when I was young 
• I doubt whether my writing is any good 

But I have noticed lately that none of these worries ever lead to action. They lead to gridlock. To stuckness. So they are not as important as I think they are. They are never about options or useful ideas. About creative ideas or inspiration. They are about being stuck. About depression. About death really.

Maybe action is about life.

It is possible to turn to action in these situations. When I notice these habitual trains of thought, I can turn instead to actions that speak to the things that I am worried about:

• When I worry about becoming redundant at work, I can apply myself to my work, write or read or whatever.
• When I worry about my weight, I can eat less or exersize more
• When it feels like I don't work enough, I can do a little more.
• When I feel old, I can throw myself into life with the gusto of a youngster. 

And when I actually address these issues, I feel a lot better. The worry becomes a less. Natalie Goldberg says that one can't write and edit at the same time. Maybe it is also true that we can't act and worry at the same time.

Oh and don't be trapped into trying to 'figure out' these worries. They don't deserve. Best to walk away and get on with what you know you should be doing.

Byron Katie says that some thoughts are less useful than others. And that we can loosen the hold of thoughts that are not useful. In some situations relevant action is the antidote to these thoughts that are not useful. 

Choose the activities, not the habitual worry. Choose the next small step.

An update on the Master or Slave Experiment

One week into the master or slave experiment. Yes, it is early days. But it seems that it is possible. I can make choices that change the way that I live. At the same time there are powerful forces to challenge me: long years of habit, emotional insecurities, ambition etc. But I have been dodging and diverting these forces quite effectively for a week now. And I am learning more about this game every day. Learning more about what makes me do what I do.

A provisional result to this experiment is that even if I can't stop the temptation to snack from arising, I can choose how I respond to it. And I can plan and prepare for these responses. Even if I can't choose the weather, I can choose my clothes and stay dry.

So you want more detail, do you?

• I didn't snack for 5 of the last 7 days. On the other two days I committed small misdemeanors.
• I have seen that it is important to remember what I am trying to do and why.
• What: I habitually add to these challenges. And that makes it harder. So I found myself checking my weight, for example. No, I had to tell myself, I am not trying to lose weight, I am trying not to eat between meals, that's all. Or I found myself trying to limit the amount of tea and coffee that I drink because it messes up my concentration. No, that is not what we are trying to achieve either.
• Why: I try and remind myself that this whole thing is about stepping away from addiction and towards dignity. From running away from what is in front of me, to facing it. That is really important to me. When I remember that that is what I am busy with, it is much easier not to snack.
• Leo is right. The challenge is to face one urge at a time, not one day at a time. Water helps a lot. Anything to let the urge to snack pass.
• Making sure that I eat enough at meal times helps a lot.

To establish a new habit, it is apparently important not to make any exceptions during the initial period. So those two days of weakness are a big issue. I will aim for 7 out of 7 for the next week.